So it's now been over a year since I got the news that my surgery had been unsuccessful and that was it; I was never going to able to smell again. I remember this because that was also the day before I decided that I was going to get my nose pierced (it might as well serve some decorative function on my face it wasn't going to prove a useful one). I'm now at drama school and my nose piercing has healed up as I've had to removed it for classes; yet my anosmia seems to be more present than ever as a lot of our training concentrates on the senses. "You must breathe in the flowers" to give you the impulse to do your vocal warm up, "you should remember a smell that means something to you" to form an emotional connected, "you need to know what the room smells like" to really connect with it.
On one hand, I'm really angry about this. And I HATE that I am; but no one else can be for me. This time last year I was SO excited that I was finally going to be able smell Christmas: the tree, the food, the mulled wine... Maybe that's why the visual/audio elements of Christmas means so much to me? Going to see the lights in London and the window displays, the John Lewis advert, the music and our always wonderfully mismatched and overloaded tree at home.
It has recently been suggested that I have developed a social anxiety issue because of my lack of a sense of smell (which is not surprising as 80% of anosmics also suffer from depression). I am needy and require constant validation of affection because I cannot form connections on a subconscious level due to a lack of being to smell pheromones or remember or know people apart from what they look or sound like. And I'm trying so hard, but I still feel so alone and so isolated. Everyone here is so lovely and they remember it so well, but I really don't want them to feel like it's an issue and they can't mention smells around me. But also, no, I really cannot smell how awful your fridge is, and it's not 'weird' or 'strange'. Please don't feel sorry for me, please get angry for me. Get angry that you maybe didn't know that anosmia existed, or that you knew how much of an issue it really is for people... I'm sorry, I know it's a really weird in-between place.
It may well be because I'm no longer in Norwich and stand no chance of ever getting another smell test again with Mr Philpott. I don't even get to hope anymore that I'm going to get it fixed.
On the other hand, I just really wanted to be able to smell Christmas.
On one hand, I'm really angry about this. And I HATE that I am; but no one else can be for me. This time last year I was SO excited that I was finally going to be able smell Christmas: the tree, the food, the mulled wine... Maybe that's why the visual/audio elements of Christmas means so much to me? Going to see the lights in London and the window displays, the John Lewis advert, the music and our always wonderfully mismatched and overloaded tree at home.
It has recently been suggested that I have developed a social anxiety issue because of my lack of a sense of smell (which is not surprising as 80% of anosmics also suffer from depression). I am needy and require constant validation of affection because I cannot form connections on a subconscious level due to a lack of being to smell pheromones or remember or know people apart from what they look or sound like. And I'm trying so hard, but I still feel so alone and so isolated. Everyone here is so lovely and they remember it so well, but I really don't want them to feel like it's an issue and they can't mention smells around me. But also, no, I really cannot smell how awful your fridge is, and it's not 'weird' or 'strange'. Please don't feel sorry for me, please get angry for me. Get angry that you maybe didn't know that anosmia existed, or that you knew how much of an issue it really is for people... I'm sorry, I know it's a really weird in-between place.
It may well be because I'm no longer in Norwich and stand no chance of ever getting another smell test again with Mr Philpott. I don't even get to hope anymore that I'm going to get it fixed.
On the other hand, I just really wanted to be able to smell Christmas.
No comments:
Post a Comment